in a half lit world

Sometimes other people's conversations really make me want to shoot myself in the head....

2009-10-17T00:10:54Z

Scene: Chicago, 7-11, at the counter, cigarette prices posted around $9 a pack. I'm paying for my stuff. A group of teenagers has been looking around for vodka accessories and is ready to check out.

Guy with camera: "Oh I gotta get a picture of this!"
Girl: "What - oh.. the prices?"
Conversation ensues expressing shock and disbelief at the prices and how they'd never pay that and they don't understand how anyone in Chicago can smoke with those prices..
Girl: "It's amazing how, like, prices keep people from smoking rather than, like, cancer"
Guy: "Yeah it's kinda funny"
Girl: "It's not funny, it's ironic"
Total nerd guy: "Well irony is, by definition, funny"

I turned around to look at him like he did NOT just say that.

And, seriously, don't you people have anything better to talk about??

It's kinda like the balloon kid. I mean, for real? THAT'S what we get to see on all the news stations for 2 whole days?

Man, I wanted to get outta there so fast - for fear that even a tiny smidgen of their air-headedness might rub off on me - that I totally left without my receipt. But I did leave with important part... I finally got my mega quickpicks, Luke!

Voiceless

2009-10-12T13:32:33Z

To dream that you are voiceless, represents a lost of identity and a lack of personal power. You are unable to speak up and stand up for yourself.

She had my wallet. And I was yelling and screaming and cursing at her to give it back. But no sound came out of my mouth. In fact, she laughed at me. She'd already made copies of all my personal information and credit cards.

Sunburn

2009-04-30T12:38:40Z

To dream that you have a sunburn, indicates that there is an emotional situation or problem that you can no longer avoid. There is some urgent matter that is literally burning through to your soul and demands your immediate attention.

dreammoods

how to melt

2009-04-21T13:03:09Z

"Deedee! Deedee!"

"Yes, honey!"

"Sit DOWN!"

"Okay!"

I seriously love that boy to death.

Survey says

2009-02-20T03:08:21Z

Got this from an LJ friend.

Thought maybe I should post something since it's been awhile. :p

Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone?
It has been awhile.. Probably because he doesn't have a cell phone right now.

What woke you up today?
My cell phone alarm.

When was the last time you talked to your best friend?
Oh crap, I was supposed to call her like a week ago..

Dark hair or light hair in the opposite sex?
Brown, any shade.

Are you currently frustrated with a girl?
Girls are frustrating, sure.

How is your hair right now?
It's down, trying to inch its way to my shoulders.

Have you ever been called Prince/Princess?
Yes, and I promptly told them "Don't call me that."

Last time you slept over at somebody's house?
Uhh, Andrew's parents? Three weeks ago?

How do you feel about your life RIGHT NOW?
It's nowhere near what it should be. I'm way off track.

Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Sure.

When was the last time you went shopping?
Saturday.. I somehow spent 90 bucks at CVS. Go me.

Did you laugh a lot at something today?
I vaguely remember laughing at something..

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Yes.

Where were you on July 4th?
I think I was in Chicago.

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
No. I find me confusing.

What's bothering you right now?
My thigh keeps twitching.

What were you doing last night at 11?
Sleeping.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Andrew?

When was the last time you were sad?
I'm not sure..

How do you know the last person you were in a car with?
He's my personal chauffeur. I mean, I live with him.

Besides this, what are you doing right now?
I've got the laundry going.

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
Maybe briefly. But then I'll fall right back asleep.

Did you kiss or make out with anyone today?
We almost made out.

Is it easy for someone to make you smile/laugh?
Super easy.

What made you sad today?
I can't think of anything..

Have you ditched school to do something more fun?
I think I did that in college..

Something you wish for?
To win the lotto. Or at least win one of these Travel Channel trips. This month it's Peru and I really, really, really want to go there.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
Maybe?

Do you trust all of your friends?
Without a doubt. If I didn't trust you, you wouldn't be a friend. :)

What was the last thing you cried about?
I can't recall..

Do you know anyone who smokes pot?
A friend in need's a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better.

Are you friends with someone who's older than you?
Yes.

Does it bother you when you text somebody and they take forever to text back?
Nope.

Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
I'd have to actually go on myspace to remember what song is on there..

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
Absolutely.

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
It's a tank top. White. Trimmed with lace.

Do you want your phone to ring at the moment?
I'd rather not. It's charging, and the new cord is too short to talk with.

Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
All the time.

What was the best thing that happened to you this year?
Crap, it's only February..

If you could go back 8 months and change something, would you?
Perhaps? But why would I try to think about that?

Whats the weather like right now?
I think it's cold.

Will this weekend be a good one?
We hope so.

Any summer plans for 2009?
Nothing planned yet.

How cold is it?

2009-01-16T05:34:27Z

It's so cold.. I came home with icicles on my eyelashes this evening.

After two weeks of sore, tired muscles from martial arts I decided to indulge this evening in an aromatic hot towel massage. There's seriously nothing like a stranger rubbing your naked body up and down with oils and lotions, letting out all the kinks and melting away all the tension. And the hot towels? Pure heaven. I like my baths hot enough so that my skin turns red and I'm working up a sweat and almost about to pass out, but I couldn't get the water hot enough this week and this massage.. well fuck, it's a whole lot better than just a super hot bath.

I'll probably go back again soon. I've been looking for something to clear my head and I think I found it when this massage therapist was digging his fingers into and pulling up from under my skull. It was like suddenly I could think a little better again.

The Cortiva Institute is maybe 5 blocks from where I live and coming back.. oh shit. My new puffy coat seriously works like a charm in shielding me from the arctic winds.. but with these -30 wind chills I really should have been wearing my thigh high socks. The knees were the least protected and the first to feel the burn of the cold. And the numbness was pretty quick to creep up my thighs. And even though the winter is a very miserable time up here, for some reason I found it adorable that everyone was still out and about downtown and so bundled up with nothing more than the eyes showing. At these temperatures, fashion is out the door and very few care how ridiculous they look. I dunno, it was cute.

This weekend I have a thirteen-year-old's birthday party to attend. (How is he 13 already? Wasn't he 8 when I met him? This isn't making any sense..) I'm also doing a very belated xmas gift exchange. Because someone couldn't remember to bring the gifts with him for xmas and hand them over while I was in Florida. Gifts that I literally trudged through a snowstorm for so that I could have everything ready in time for xmas. And now we're doing this in the middle of January.. It just feels so wrong somehow.

Anyway, we might also go sledding. Although the unfortunate truth is that snow mostly fails to delight and amaze me anymore. But sledding is about more than just snow. It's also about falling. And dodging trees. And when your boots/gloves/sleeves/pants have filled with snow, then you know it's time to go.

all year

2008-12-20T06:41:39Z

This tree is up all year round. But only at Christmas does it shower presents.

I can't give up palm trees. I can't give up my miami cell number. I can't give up Florida. And this year.. I am looking forward to a green christmas like I never have before.

This morning gave me the idea that I should have added winter goggles to my xmas list. It's very difficult to cross Wabash at Van Buren in this sort of weather we had. I mostly shield my eyes from the wind snow & ice so that I can't see anything more than my boots stomping in the dirty slush, and cross my fingers that no car will hit me. So far so good.

Shoulders sore and knuckles chafed from beating on a punching bag the other day. A good kind of sore. 2008 has been the year of crossing off items on the Big List. Things I've never done before but always wanted to do. Get my passport, travel abroad, ride in a hot air balloon, going further west than ever before and more recently.. taking martial arts classes. Who knows what could be next?

All I know is I'm damn well looking forward to a full week in Florida.

Born in the Year of the Cock

2008-12-05T05:00:40Z

Dragon Gate; San Francisco

I like reading my horoscope, not so much for a prediction for what the day will be like.. but more for tidbits like this in today's horoscope. Food for thought.

"Perhaps you, like many people, have always felt that if others really knew you, they wouldn't like you. So you keep your entire emotional life secret.

But whatever you hide from others, you will also hide from yourself. And whatever you hide from yourself can control you without your being aware of it." astro.com

There's a lot that I hide.

the path is chain linked

2008-12-02T06:00:13Z

San Francisco fence

So.

You may or may not know this but I was grossly ill about two weeks ago. The kind of ill that involves your stomach and the various and immense havoc it can wreak. And after 2 and a half days of missing work (time for which I will not be paid), the nightmare was mostly over. And for a very brief period I stuck to a very bland diet of saltines, banana, chicken noodle/rice soup, dry white toast, roasted chicken and white rice (at the advice of a nurse because, dear me, who woulda thunk the atrocity caused by broccoli and brown rice when your stomach is sick). By that Friday, I was able to walk around without running for the bathroom and thus well enough to get back to work. I felt like I lost 10 pounds and very, very weak. I thought this would be great, though - what great luck to lose some poundage just before Thanksgiving festivities.

Except that.. once my appetite returned on Saturday and my stomach appeared to be able to handle real food.. dear god, how I craved taste. I don't think I had "real food" until Sunday, though, and by then my stomach had suddenly become a bottomless pit. It was deceiving to me, of course, because obviously extra food would mean extra poundage and of course my metabolism would not be up to speed. But this disruption of my regular (very healthy high-fiber whole-grain) diet had caused quite the imbalance and left me with little to no will power to control it. And thus Thanksgiving arrived with my pants tighter than they normally are, rather than looser. One step forward, three steps back.

And so it is.

But this is a lesson to me of how the mind/body reacts when it is deprived. When you finally get that thing you desire so greatly, it just goes nuts. To hell with boundaries, limits, discipline, will power or any good sense whatsoever.

Of course I knew this already, so this is only a refresher.

In other news..

Tonight I took the leap to learn something new, something I've always wanted to learn, at the risk of looking like a fool.

It was worse - and better - than I thought it would be.

We shall see where this goes..

Well that takes the cake..

2008-11-26T14:42:11Z

My Christmas flight to Florida is NOW

$190

CHEAPER than what I paid for it 3 weeks ago.

Am I the only one who can never get a fucking break?

Srsly.

love is truth

2008-11-21T02:23:57Z

Sunset over Chicago

And the truth will set you free.

slamming cupboards

2008-11-18T02:36:54Z

Morton Arboretum; Lisle, IL

It's not until I'm too frustrated with inaction that I finally think about doing something.

And the thing I think about doing doesn't help all the things I need to be doing. Plotting my escape to a faraway land doesn't help everything that's holding me back here.

I should experience different cultures while I'm still young and free, one side says. I want my life to be extraordinary. I want to do more than sitting in front of a computer all day.

But there is so much work for you to do here, the other side says. You've turned your life upside-down. When do you get it back together?

The work of decision adds to the anxiety of indecision. And still gets me nowhere.

So I say maybe it's not so bad the way it is here. Just for a little while longer. Until the next time inaction prompts me again to do something.

It could be two days. It could be two months. It could be two years.

And back to sleep I go.

Am I Awake?

2008-11-12T15:07:37Z

I just had one of those.. events. I don't know what to call them. A dream where I'm trying desperately to wake up but failing miserably? A dream where I think I'm awake but everything is really really off?

The bedroom door kept slamming shut. Andrew left the window open and the ferocious wind was gusting through the room causing the door to repeatedly slam open and shut. This makes no sense of course because it is November in Chicago and although we had some 70-degree days, it wouldn't be very smart at all to have the window open now.

On top of that, I kept seeing this handwriting on my white closet doors. Sometimes it would be in black, other times it was in red. I would blink and try to see, and ever time I looked it changed. At one point I recognized my mom's handwriting. But I was too scared to try to read any of what it might say. I just wanted the closet doors to be blank again.

Now I'm not sure of the sequence of events, or maybe the sequence doesn't matter. But although most of this dream involved me trying desperately to get out of the tangle of the bed covers (and failing miserably because i was trapped) I was able to get out of bed at least once. And I walked out to the kitchen. Here I ran into a brown translucent bunny that was hopping around at my feet. I think it had something to say, but I forget what. And back at the wall was a low shallow white plastic tub. The water was running and it was filling with water. I didn't walk near it, but grabbed the phone in the front corner instead.

Back in the bed, I was trying to call Andrew but this wasn't an easy task. My eyesight was gone. Everything was super fuzzy and blurry and I couldn't focus on a goddamn thing. I needed to tell Andrew that something was very wrong with me and I wouldn't be making it in to work. I succeeded once in calling him, but I had to call him again for something. But I couldn't figure out the phone. Because I couldn't see I kept hitting the wrong buttons. I tried on my cell, too, hoping that being able to see some color would help. But I was mixing up the red (end) with the green (talk). Still thinking this was all real, I wrestled and wreslted with the covers, trying to get out of bed. Wondering why it was so difficult and frightened at what might be wrong with me. I just wanted to see again.

And when I finally did wake up.. I couldn't believe at first that it was real. It took me a moment to convince myself.

Wind
To dream of blowing winds, symbolizes your life force, energy, and vigor. It reflects changes in your life.

To dream of strong or gusty winds, represents turmoil and trouble for you. You are experiencing much stress in some waking situation.

Wake
To dream that you are waking up in your dream, indicates that something is missing or lacking in your life. There is an aspect of your life that you are not utilizing to its fullest potential. You are not recognizing your abilities.

White
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. However, in Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.

Rabbits
To see a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize your sexual activity.
[dreammoods.com]

Best Argument Ever

2008-11-12T01:24:35Z

Chicago; Last Week

The Sun-Times today featured a 7-year-old blogger who used his blog to support Obama.. Impressive stuff.

My absolute favorite is this election commentary on why Palin is not qualified. Love it. I thought it was very well articulated. And leave it to a kid to tell it like it is.

And by the way, god I'm so tired of my poor pathetic excuse for a camera. Aside from the impossibility of getting any nightshots even somewhat decent, you can see here the lens is dirty. I suppose there's a way to clean it (maybe?), but I'm way overdue for something better.

Muenster

2008-11-06T03:35:31Z

My mind is really going. This is the worst (recent) example I have yet.

Tonight I wanted some cheese with my tuna and crackers. Got the crackers, the mayo, opened & drained the tuna and was ready to go. After mixing the tuna with mayo and spices, I opened the dairy drawer in the fridge and found no sliced cheese. I could have sworn I had cheese left. But maybe Andrew might have finished it up, so I asked him.

Nope, he didn't finish the cheese. I guess I must have finished it the other night, then, I thought to myself. Huh. Something still didn't feel right, but how in the world could the cheese have just disappeared?

Went about my business enjoying the tuna & crackers.

Half an hour later I'm back in the kitchen to grab a drink or something when I notice something on the counter..

It's a pack of sliced cheese. I touch it and it's still cold. And then I'm just blown away by the trick my mind just pulled.

Because one of two things had to have happened. Either I blacked out during the 5 seconds it took to pull the cheese out of the fridge and thus did not know I had done so. Or, I literally & completely forgot not even two minutes after doing so that I had taken the cheese out of the fridge to prepare my snack. And not even asking Andrew about the cheese or the odd feeling I got about it could have jogged my memory back. I think I still don't even remember doing it. Yeah, I'm a little spooked.

Perhaps it's time to get back to playing Brain Age..

Though in my defense (or my confession) I had a lot of sugar within the past 24 hours.

Spatial Intelligence

2008-10-28T02:12:18Z

This must explain my uncanny ability to always know where the car was parked.

Your result for Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test...

Spatial

25% Logical, 53% Spatial, 35% Linguistic, 31% Intrapersonal, 12% Interpersonal, 25% Musical, 6% Bodily-Kinesthetic and 37% Naturalistic!

"This area has to do with vision and spatial judgment. People with strong visual-spatial intelligence are typically very good at visualizing and mentally manipulating objects. They have a strong visual memory and are often artistically inclined. Those with visual-spatial intelligence also generally have a very good sense of direction and may also have very good hand-eye coordination, although this is normally seen as a characteristic of the bodily-kinesthetic intelligence.

Careers which suit those with this intelligence include artists, engineers, and architects." (Wikipedia)

Take Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test at HelloQuizzy

luck

2008-10-18T04:42:09Z

San Francisco; Chinatown

Upon hearing the news
that her pseudo-boyfriend's
sister
got engaged
it occured to her:

"i will never have a normal life"

burst

2008-10-09T12:47:59Z

Barcelona; Casa Mila

i want to tell
everyone what i haven't
told anyone
all the truth
and honesty
what's inside
of me
let it all out until
there's nothing
left
to hold
nothing left
to call mine
but now probably
isn't the time

This was a good one

2008-10-04T19:08:38Z

Meme, tagged by notmargaret

Rules:

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

01. What is essential for your happiness?
freedom, balance, flexibility, new experiences

02. What clothes are you wearing at the moment?
dragon sleep pants from jaclyn, a nude-colored tank top, a teal cardigan and homer slippers! (from my bro)

03. If you could have any job, what would it be and why?
i want a job that involves a lot of traveling, not sure doing what. learning and doing something new every day.

04. What is your favorite scent?
apple cinnamon. oh wait, pumpkin spice. yum.

05. What are you watching/listening to right now?
What Not To Wear

06. What do you drink the most?
Coffee and water

07. Do you trust easily?
Sometimes

08. Who was your first big crush?
I think it was... Brian T, fourth grade

09. What did you want to be when you grew up?
First a writer, then a psychologist

10. Do you have a good body-image?
I think so

11. Do you have a forbidden crush?
Most definitely. Perhaps more than one.

12. What websites do you visit daily?
Gmail, LJ, Yahoo mail, Weather.com

13. Random pet peeve?
Having to repeat myself a million times over to someone who doesn't get it and keeps asking the same question in a manner that shows they are assuming that someone or something else is the problem when in reality it is their own understanding that is flawed, and then they pretend to know what they're talking about and proceed to tell everyone what - and how - to do things (Random enough for ya?)

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
I don't know her all that well but she does seem interesting

15. What's the last song that got stuck in your head?
Wow.. I have to think back to this one. I think it was "Ordinary World", Duran Duran. It was so bad I ended up downloading the song (and other Duran Duran songs) from my phone so I could listen to it while at work. This was about 2 weeks ago.

16. What's your favorite item of clothing?
I really don't think I have one. Hmm.. perhaps I should work on that.

17. What's better: to give or to receive?
Definitely to give. I love to see other people happy.

18. What turns you on in the opposite gender?
Intelligence, creativity, playful, mischievous, sense of humor, an attractive face, an alluring scent, aaaanndd.. some other things :)

19. Is there anything you want so bad right now?
Yes. A few things. Some of which I don't do anything about because a) I don't know how, or b) I'm afraid of it.

20. What should you be doing right now?
Cleaning, laundry, unpacking two sets of suitcases/bags from my last two trips.

21. Whats the meaning behind your LJ username/name/nicknames you go by?
I got "half lit" from a Portishead song, "Mourning Air" ("Did I see a moment with you in a half lit world?") If you haven't heard this song, you really should.

TAG! You're ALL It!!

A Recognition

2008-09-30T20:13:55Z

i had recently realized that my preference for the company of men comes from a need to recreate the bond i had with my brother. i had thought before it was because i was a lost girl looking for my father. and i would say most definitely that's what my first boyfriend was. but ever since then i've been attracted to people who reminded me of my brother. not bearing any physical resemblance at all. but looking for the same sort of interaction and dynamic that we had. craziness and randomness and bringing that out in each other. we probably even had some sort of working balance, since he was more crazy/social than i - and that's what i liked having brought out in me - and i in some ways probably kept him grounded. more than once he has surprised me with a heart-to-heart expressing how much he admires and looks up to me. something of course i never expected. but we all in some way provide to other people what they need. that is why they are attracted to us, and we in turn are attracted to them.

but this period in our lives.. late twenties reaching for early thirties.. is a very difficult one to accept. all of our relationships we had with our friends are changing. everyone is getting married and having kids. something, in many ways, is lost by that. i can never have that carefree alone time with my brother again. there will always be the stress and responsibilities of adult life. there will always be his wife and now his children. it's never just my brother anymore and i don't know where he went. or where to find him again.

i'm tearing up as i type this. i had no idea this was here.

no doubt the addition of these people in his life is a very happy one. i would never want it any other way. i realize relationships are always changing and the only way to keep them strong is to evolve with them. still i miss those times. and the inside jokes and the understanding.

i'm tempted to go on a long string of how things are and how it's all about balance, still a foreign concept to me, and what i need to accept and do to make it all ok and move on. the cycle of life and such. this has been my way for some time now. but when do i take a moment to really feel what is here and express and reflect that? i haven't been allowing myself to do that.

since i've realized this link of the bond with my brother to the aimless bonding attempts in my life.. my brother is now everywhere in my dreams. and these are sharp, haunting dreams that are practically trying to scream something at me. i haven't caught what they're saying yet, though. i've only dipped my toe in these waters. for someone like me who's all about self-exploration, there's a whole world now that i never even realized was here.

The Check

2008-09-29T13:43:06Z

I dreamt this morning that (1) I was living at home, or at least visiting and (2) my mom was giving me checks. When I asked what they were for, she explained it was some kind of weird bizarre reallocation of money thing. She still worked for the city in this dream, but here it was for parking tickets. I still don't understand it. Most of them would be a couple hundred or a couple thousand. But one of the checks were for 2.5 million dollars. To my name. In blue marker ink. Cursive.

Holy shit, right?

I left the checks (there were three) on the table in the back porch (parents' old house) while I was doing something in the backyard (I can't remember what now). I was a little freaked to find them missing when I came back to the table, but not too freaked because I knew the parents were trying to clean up in preparation for company arriving.

I found the check with my brother. This part is a little hazy. He was in his old bedroom sitting at the computer. He wasn't wearing a shirt but he had a rather large bandage over the left side of his chest. Under that was my check. All meshed in this rather large gooey, raw wound on his chest. Not bleeding, mind you. I have no idea what the wound was doing there, but it didn't take me by surprise in the dream. I tried to lift the bandage and pull out my check. And succeeded, though I could tell he was upset. I didn't need that money. Why was I getting money when he was the one who needed it?

First I had to get over my anger that he would try to sabotage this money that was given to me. The check was wrinkled and wet with the pussy secretions of his wound. I hoped it would still be accepted. Once I had that under control, I collected myself, approached my brother and told him, "I need to talk to you."

Company had arrived by then so we found an empty room to talk in. I explained to him, first of all, that I do need this money and it will help me tremendously in giving me some time and doing what I need to do to figure it all out and get back on my feet. Secondly, I let him in on my pledge to myself that should I ever get a large sum of money like this, half of it was his. I want my brother in good financial standing and not have to worry about money, too. It was harder to say to him after he tried to take that check away from me, but still I keep my promises.

Then my grandmother walked in, said hello and asked me what's new.

I smiled sweetly and said, "Oh nothing. How are you?"

Late Summer

2008-09-26T00:24:46Z

Although I received my results the 16th, it actually didn't occur to me until last night that I have a "condition". It was probably because the results were emailed to me and I didn't realize that "insulin resistance" is an actual condition and not just an assessment of a level of how things are going. Both my grandparents (dad's side) have diabetes and I don't exercise, so I have some pretty high odds against me. I have the diet part down at least, ever since I lost 50 pounds going low-carb 5 years ago. And I know I have my diet to thank for everything else - cholesterol, blood pressure, triglycerides - being absolutely astoundingly beyond perfect. I seriously cannot tell you how proud I am of my triglycerides measuring at 47 mg/dL when it only needs to be less than 150.

But the one thing I don't and hate, hate doing is exercise. I kept on my diet mostly to maintain my weight, and also because eating unhealthy actually made me feel physically uncomfortable. And if I didn't need to exercise to maintain this weight, then I didn't see the point in torturing myself. But now I have a whole new goal and motivation for exercise: Reduce my risk of diabetes by 58 percent. Exercising is finally worth it.

And at 27, this comes at a time when I'm realizing I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not really young anymore. The older I get, the more maintenance this body is going to need. This is in no way a bad thing. It's just part of growing up. And growing up is lovely.

I think it's official: in the words of my grandmother, "I'm no spring chicken, you know."

Domesticating

2008-09-23T12:20:06Z

Funny how I was already on this track..

My Red Eye horoscope for this week: You're feeling domestic, and you're eager to create a comfortable nest with your partner. Saturn is inspiring you to upgrade your decor or clean out old items from your home. Team up with your honey and create a more pleasant living space.

And this is significant because I had actually relinquished my budding domestic nature for several months now and I really let things go and didn't care how much of a mess the place got. (As long as we're not growing mushrooms in the closet or mold in the diswasher I'm probably good.) But this weekend something came back and I decided to care again. And as I was actually cleaning things up for the first time in a very long time I took a look around and found several areas where this place could use an upgrade, something decent to give it some style or character or just make it look a little respectable.

I had resisted caring for a long time because I came to this realization that I had become, to me, over-materialistic. I didn't care for this new obsession - especially when I found it was masking more important things that matter. You know, as long as I was focused on stylish decor I could forget or ignore other bigger, simpler things. This apartment had really become a project for me but I dropped it halfway through.

And I suppose I didn't need to drop it completely, but that's kinda sorta how I am. I have a very hard time with balance, and so I am often flipping from one extreme to the next.

Ask yourself what you think you gain by repeated delay.

2008-09-23T01:28:26Z

For my birthday, tarot.com offered a free 11-card tarot reading. I'm not normally into this but I figured it was free, so why not. Most of the cards were over my head. But this one especially hit close to home.

The card in the Blocks position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck -- unless you examine yourself and make some corrections.

When the Knight of Wands (in some decks, a Prince) falls in this position, it seems there is difficulty getting started. The outset is hampered by a tendency to find reasons to delay, hold back or be dissatisfied with preparations. That may be acceptable to a point: preparedness is crucial and good timing essential.

But if a new beginning is repeatedly delayed, you may have to ask yourself what you may be afraid of that would cause you to go to such great lengths to stall or postpone its development. When that question is answered, you can begin to overcome your blocks and allow your energy to flow smoothly toward the goal again.

I don't really know the answer to this, but I tell myself things like.. I feel like I have a duty or a responsibility I have to honor here before I can move on. Or I'm too unfocused to choose a direction. Or I'm afraid of failure.

In some ways I feel I've been waiting for something to happen. I would rather react to something that happened, than to make something happen myself. Maybe I feel like it would make more sense that way. I want to feel a pulling rather than be pushing. But these things don't help me.

And I feel there is something deeper still that I am not getting at. Something I still won't allow myself to see. Maybe some hurts or grudges I tell myself I'm completely over.

Hotel for Men Only

2008-09-22T04:45:59Z

Ahhh.. So places like Elwood's apartment in the Blues Brothers DO still exist in Chicago..