half_lit (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} half_lit) wrote,@ 2008-09-30 18:12:00 |
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A Recognition
i had recently realized that my preference for the company of men comes from a need to recreate the bond i had with my brother. i had thought before it was because i was a lost girl looking for my father. and i would say most definitely that's what my first boyfriend was. but ever since then i've been attracted to people who reminded me of my brother. not bearing any physical resemblance at all. but looking for the same sort of interaction and dynamic that we had. craziness and randomness and bringing that out in each other. we probably even had some sort of working balance, since he was more crazy/social than i - and that's what i liked having brought out in me - and i in some ways probably kept him grounded. more than once he has surprised me with a heart-to-heart expressing how much he admires and looks up to me. something of course i never expected. but we all in some way provide to other people what they need. that is why they are attracted to us, and we in turn are attracted to them.
but this period in our lives.. late twenties reaching for early thirties.. is a very difficult one to accept. all of our relationships we had with our friends are changing. everyone is getting married and having kids. something, in many ways, is lost by that. i can never have that carefree alone time with my brother again. there will always be the stress and responsibilities of adult life. there will always be his wife and now his children. it's never just my brother anymore and i don't know where he went. or where to find him again.
i'm tearing up as i type this. i had no idea this was here.
no doubt the addition of these people in his life is a very happy one. i would never want it any other way. i realize relationships are always changing and the only way to keep them strong is to evolve with them. still i miss those times. and the inside jokes and the understanding.
i'm tempted to go on a long string of how things are and how it's all about balance, still a foreign concept to me, and what i need to accept and do to make it all ok and move on. the cycle of life and such. this has been my way for some time now. but when do i take a moment to really feel what is here and express and reflect that? i haven't been allowing myself to do that.
since i've realized this link of the bond with my brother to the aimless bonding attempts in my life.. my brother is now everywhere in my dreams. and these are sharp, haunting dreams that are practically trying to scream something at me. i haven't caught what they're saying yet, though. i've only dipped my toe in these waters. for someone like me who's all about self-exploration, there's a whole world now that i never even realized was here.
i had recently realized that my preference for the company of men comes from a need to recreate the bond i had with my brother. i had thought before it was because i was a lost girl looking for my father. and i would say most definitely that's what my first boyfriend was. but ever since then i've been attracted to people who reminded me of my brother. not bearing any physical resemblance at all. but looking for the same sort of interaction and dynamic that we had. craziness and randomness and bringing that out in each other. we probably even had some sort of working balance, since he was more crazy/social than i - and that's what i liked having brought out in me - and i in some ways probably kept him grounded. more than once he has surprised me with a heart-to-heart expressing how much he admires and looks up to me. something of course i never expected. but we all in some way provide to other people what they need. that is why they are attracted to us, and we in turn are attracted to them.
but this period in our lives.. late twenties reaching for early thirties.. is a very difficult one to accept. all of our relationships we had with our friends are changing. everyone is getting married and having kids. something, in many ways, is lost by that. i can never have that carefree alone time with my brother again. there will always be the stress and responsibilities of adult life. there will always be his wife and now his children. it's never just my brother anymore and i don't know where he went. or where to find him again.
i'm tearing up as i type this. i had no idea this was here.
no doubt the addition of these people in his life is a very happy one. i would never want it any other way. i realize relationships are always changing and the only way to keep them strong is to evolve with them. still i miss those times. and the inside jokes and the understanding.
i'm tempted to go on a long string of how things are and how it's all about balance, still a foreign concept to me, and what i need to accept and do to make it all ok and move on. the cycle of life and such. this has been my way for some time now. but when do i take a moment to really feel what is here and express and reflect that? i haven't been allowing myself to do that.
since i've realized this link of the bond with my brother to the aimless bonding attempts in my life.. my brother is now everywhere in my dreams. and these are sharp, haunting dreams that are practically trying to scream something at me. i haven't caught what they're saying yet, though. i've only dipped my toe in these waters. for someone like me who's all about self-exploration, there's a whole world now that i never even realized was here.
